Friends, first

We’re making decisions about strangers

While doing qualitative research with my married friends for my next piece, I kept getting stuck on something: the lack of time in modern dating.

There’s an unspoken timeline to it. Kiss by date three. DTR by month three. Move in, or move on, by year three.

We question someone’s intentions if things progress too fast…or not fast enough. We (try to) let things go once they hit their invisible expiration date.

Since entering the dating world in earnest three years ago, I’ve felt unsettled by the pace of it all. It feels fundamentally at odds with who I am.

In my first serious relationship in college, we had the luxury of time. We were acquaintances first, then friends, and only then something more. When we started dating, there was already trust, context, and a shared world.

That’s the part that feels missing now: the social proof of it all.

When you meet someone on Hinge, the questions are immediate and binary: is this going somewhere, or not? Is it romantic, or not?

We’ve gotten very comfortable with accelerating intimacy to test compatibility, but we haven’t made the same room for the slower work of trust and understanding.

I’m pretty good (although not perfect) at knowing if it’s a heck no. But how am I supposed to know if it’s a heck yes after two drinks, a walk, and meeting your cat?

People who met their partners earlier in life weren’t forced to resolve this tension so explicitly. For example, one of my married friends described what she loves about her husband:

• He inspires me to grow

• He brings different interests into my life

• I love his friends. They reflect who he is

But the part I can’t stop thinking about came next: “He was my brother’s best friend. Knowing that someone I love and respect trusted him made it so much easier for me to trust and love him too.”

That’s it.

Her husband was, in essence, pre-vetted. Not just by her brother, but by time, by friendship, by community. She had seen who he was in other people’s lives before she ever had to decide what he would be in hers.

To be fair, I know slower doesn’t automatically mean better. Being friends first doesn’t necessarily mean longterm romantic compatibility. But what I’m getting at is that modern dating asks us to make decisions about strangers, quickly.

And that’s causing us to say no to people who could grow on us, and say yes (temporarily) to people who seem good on paper, but are actually just good at first dates.

Unfortunately, getting off the apps feels like exiting the dating scene. And we all know I can’t do that—how would the blog go on!?

But maybe there’s a middle ground I haven’t tried yet: less online dating, more building a life that lets me know people slowly, and lets dating happen within that.

In practice, this probably means I’m joining a Volo league.

—Cait xo

P.S.

Song of the week:

Articles I’ve enjoyed this week:

Lessons from the best flirt I know

6 months later: A sabbatical reflection

How to Make Your Weekdays Feel Like Weekends

Staying invisible is costing you more than being cringe ever will

The death of the corporate job.